"You must submit to me woman!" When a man has to say this, it means he is no longer the head. He has switched from the being a leader to becoming a tyrant.
The meaning of submission has been misunderstood and so misapplied. In this video, we debunks the myth and explain the spirit behind the word. This is not your traditional explanation. And this is not to get women away from the word. It is to explain the heart of God behind it.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more videos and visit our Facebook page #relationshipminibooks for additional content (blogs, videos, etc)
The day has arrived! "101 Relationship Lessons You Need to Learn Before You Mary" is available in Amazon!!
A great book to start your relationship on the right track! If you are single, this is a great book to prepare for a relationship! And if you are already married, it is a great book to learn and reconnect to those keys that will make your relationship great!
While being the head has nothing to do with being a tyrant, bully, or ruler (see Part I), it also does not mean that a man has to be a wimpy pushover who throws his hands up in the air and just watches as life happens and anything goes.
As the head, a man must exercise authority and power in the right dimension. This video addresses the two dimensions in which IF a man exercises authority and power, he will likely become captivating to his wife in the long run (so long as his wife's heart is open).
First I want to begin with the book 101 NO FRILLS RELATIONSHIP LESSONS YOU NEED TO KNOW BEFORE YOU MARRY. This book, written by Emmanuel Ogunjumo offers sage advice for anyone in a relationship and planning to get married. This is the best book with advice for brides. I take that back. Anyone in a relationship should read this book. I highly recommend it. It is available for pre-order right now on Amazon.
Did God make a mistake when he made the man head of his wife? Is it really fair to the wife? Does it mean that the man is entitled to do whatever he wants and the wife is entrapped regardless of what the man does?
A misunderstand of what it means to be the head in the context of human relationships has led to its misapplication - leading to abuse, ungodly, and unsavory relationships.
This video answers the question and demystifies what it truly means. You might very well be surprised by the answers to these questions.
Burger King used the slogan ‘Have it Your Way’ to advertise its business for 40-years until 2014 when it scrapped it for a new slogan ‘Be Your Way’.
As you can see, the words ‘Your Way’ are common to both slogans. Regardless of which slogan resonates with you, the message from Burger King is clear:It Is All About You. While this message may be good for selling burgers, I caution you about using this tagline for the way you choose to lead your life.
When life becomes all about you, your world becomes smaller. As your world becomes smaller, it becomes more difficult to see beyond yourself. When you can’t see beyond yourself, you lose the ability to understand and empathize with other people. The moment you start to lose the ability to understand and empathize is the moment you start to drive a wedge between you and other people. When you drive a wedge between you and other people, you will start to live a separated and isolated life.
If you have to have it all your way in life, then you won’t have much of a life
Consider the words of King Solomon:A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment (Proverbs 18:1).Another way of saying it is this: If you are only looking out for what you desire, you will end up isolating yourself. And if you isolate yourself, you are not wise.
If you isolate yourself, what will happen when you need help? Who will be there to lift you up when you are down? If you isolate yourself, you are more likely to open yourself to crazy thoughts and believe them. Who will warn you that your ideas are crazy? If you isolate yourself, who will promote you at work? Who will want to work with you? If you isolate yourself, you are more likely to feel lonely and depressed!
If life is all about you, you will end up by yourself in life
I once counseled a man who failed to realize his marriage was not about him. He told me he was perfectly content with how things were going in his marriage. He said he did not understand why his wife was so unhappy at the onset of their marriage. He said he was shocked when his wife asked for a divorce after five years of marriage.
When I asked him why he did not seek help when they first started having issues, he told me he was happy and so saw no reason why he should have wasted money seeking help. He thought she would come around! He was wrong both about her and the money. She did not come around. And now he is spending more money in alimony and child support payments than he ever imagined! He did not think his attitude would cause him to lose his family!
If you are wise, you will learn from this man and learn from King Solomon. Make life about others and not solely about you. Here is how Jesus puts it: Love Your Neighbor as Yourself.
While it is okay to think of yourself, you shouldn’t forget to think of others
Bear with me for a second and imagine that you are about to buy a used car. Before signing on the dotted line, you would request the diagnostics on the car. You’d take the car for a ride to see how it drives — paying attention to its feel, listening for any weird sounds, and checking all the features to ensure that everything works right. You might even get an experienced mechanic to examine the car and give you their professional opinion.
You go through all this trouble because you don’t want to buy an unreliable car that becomes a money pit! You know it is a substantial investment and you want to know exactly what you are getting. You want to make sure you are getting your money’s worth.
While buying a used car can be a risky investment, the investment risk is small compared to the risk we take when choosing which relationships we should invest in.
If you invest in a bad car, outside of your pride, the only thing that takes a hit is your financial standing. If you invest in a bad relationship, especially if it turns out to be a marriage relationship, your entire future may be in jeopardy. Yet, too many of us treat the decision of whom to enter into a relationship with as something that is trivial, compared to the due diligence we give to deciding whether to buy a car.
Our lack of due diligence is NOT due to a lack of concern. Rather, any concern we have is often overwhelmed by the emotional tidal wave that accompanies the prospect of getting what we desire — the desire to be in a committed relationship. While this emotional wave produces butterflies and feelings of happiness, it can blind us to glaring red flags. It can cause us to overlook and excuse away foundational problems that require fixing.
Choosing to ignore foundational problems when choosing whether to commit to a relationship is like choosing to ignore a used car’s check engine light and instead choosing to focus on how pretty the paint job looks on the car.
If you are going to give yourself the best chance of making the best decision relationship decision, there are 3 things you must do while dating.
No one is perfect! Everyone has issues! If you are not talking about the ugly stuff, the ugly stuff will talk to you when it shows up later in your marriage.
Analogous to diagnosing a car to see what is wrong before you buy it, you need to look at what is wrong and understand what you have to deal with in your relationship.
You want to go into your marriage with your eyes wide open
If you do not know for sure what you are dealing with, then it is likely that many things will surprise and disappoint you. You will feel as if your partner was dishonest with you and sold you on a lie. And you are more likely to want to bail out when in the truth comes out in those early days.
But if you know what you are facing, you can make a quality decision. You can place boundaries on your relationship to prevent the ugly from coming out. You will be better prepared for the ugly when it does come out.
Example: When Jack told Lori that he struggles with porn from time to time, they spoke about it and decided that he needed to install covenant eyes while they seek out help for him.
When you know what is not right before hand, you can make a plan to deal with it.
BE HONEST ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN HANDLE
When buying a used car, there comes a point when you have to make a decision about whether you can handle the maintenance cost! The same is true of relationships. There is maintenance work required for any relationship not to break down. You have to decide whether you can handle it.
If you know that you cannot afford the maintenance of your relationship, it is better not to commit to the relationship.
There are two key questions to consider when thinking of relationship maintenance: (1) Is the problem causing the maintenance of a chronic issue? (2) Do you have the spiritual strength, mental energy, and emotional capital to deal with the problem?
If you know you do not want to continue spending emotional capital to fix an unending issue, then be honest with yourself and end the relationship before it gets really serious. You don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you get bitter because things don’t get better.
Example: When Samantha realized she could not handle Blake’s addiction, she decided to call it quits though she cared for him deeply.
ALLOW SOMEONE YOU TRUST TO EVALUATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
When in the throes of emotional energy in a relationship, we tend to magnify the positives and minimize the negatives. I can’t illustrate this point any better than my friend did a few weeks ago. He said to me “When I first got married, I wondered why I did not marry her sooner. Now I wonder why I married her at all.”
Before you commit to marriage, do yourself a favor and invite a wise objective person to speak into your life. Be sure to tell them the good, the bad, and the ugly. Also, be honest with yourself and let them know what you can handle and what you can’t handle. Then open your heart to receive what this person has to say and truly consider it.
This is like inviting an expert mechanic to see if this car you want to buy is a right for you.
Example: Kim and Tyler went to a counselor with an open mind to get his take on their relationship. After four sessions, they realized they still had a lot of work today. So, they decided to put their engagement on hold and work through the resources the counselor gave them. Because they put in the work, they now have a successful marriage.
It is better to wait and get it right, than rush in and get it wrong
Do not awaken love until the time is right — King Solomon
Tuesday, August 13, 2019
3 Simple Ways to Know if Your Man Really Loves You
I recently met a woman by the name of Renee (not her real name) who divorced her husband after a few months of marriage. Though she said that she was over the relationship, the pain and hurt she still felt came through loud and clear as she spoke of their relationship. Her words were saying one thing but her heart was revealing quite another. When I asked if she saw any sign’s of trouble prior to the marriage, she said no. She said to me,Emmanuel, it is as if he changed into a completely different person. He said all the right words and did all the right things before we got married. I thought he truly loved me.
The statement,I thought he truly loved me, hit me hard like a swift punch to the solar plexus! They were the same words that an ex had spoken to me when we broke up many moons ago (my fault for the record). After a few moments of silence, I was able to say to her: Love is more than a feeling, is not confirmed by words, and it reaches beyond the boundary of actions. Love gives but expects nothing in return. Just because an action reflects love does not mean the action comes from a heart of love. The heart of love gives and expects nothing back in return. The heart of fear always wants something in return, but there is no fear in love! Did he marry you because he truly loved you or because you were great to him, filled a hole in him, and he was afraid of losing you?
She repliedI liked that I meant something to him (filled a hole in him) and that he wanted to keep me! What is wrong with that?I said,I do not know your full situation, but could it be that his affection towards you was triggered only by what you could do for him? His shower of love towards you and his sacrifice, was it because you met his needs? Though it seemed all about you, was it truly all about him?As she pondered the questions, I continued,it is not the what that matters most, it is the why that matters most!
She said,what are the reasons a man should love me?I replied, let us see why Jesus loved us and gave himself for us:
Ephesians 5: 25 -29:Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,27 andto present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.29 After all,no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church.
He wants you to be one with him in the Lord
A man who loves you continually works to strengthen the cord of love that exists between you and him. He does this by growing his relationship with the Lord and being a spiritual leader of the household. He understands that there is no way both of you can walk in agreement with each other unless you make Jesus the center of your lives. So he initiates open and honest conversation. He asks you to do nothing that is contrary to the way of the Lord and does not even put you in those situations. You are praying and seeking God together with the kind of man.
He wants you to be the best you can be
A man who loves you is one who wants you to walk in the purpose to which God has called you. He wants you to be the best that you can be. And he walks foreign lands if he has to! He wants you to live a significant life and makes you priority.A man who loves you will meet you where you are and will always strive to get you to a better place.Think of the Samaritan woman who drank of the water of the words of Jesus. She instantly turned from an insignificant harlot who probably avoided people out of shame, to an outspoken evangelist. She went from being an outcast to someone who helped bring her entire village to the knowledge of God. That is what a man who loves does! He desires to help you reach higher spiritually, mentally, emotionally, intellectually, financially etc.
He wants you to fulfill your destiny
Just as Jesus wants us to wear a crown of glory when we get into heaven, a man who loves you will desire that you win the prize in your race of life; that you cross the finish line and fulfill your destiny. This means thathe is sensitive to your needs and chooses for you to be his first priority. He considers your destiny in the decisions that he is making. Nothing is done selfishly. He wants to shine the spotlight on you so that you can receive honor. He is not one to want the limelight for himself. This is a man who is not jealous of your accomplishments and does not become insecure in your glory. He asks about your goals and dreams and supports you. He is your number one cheerleader.
Food for Thought: A man who loves you feeds you and cares for you in every way
BE SURE TO SUBSCRIBE TO MY BLOG FOR MORE INSIGHT INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP!
In 2012, I was invited to be a member of a panel at a Christian singles conference. After speaking about living a purposeful life, and remaining pure in singleness, the topic of marriage invariably came up. A woman stood and poured out her heart about how she desired a husband. She was in her late thirties and did not want to be alone anymore related that she was on the verge of ‘settling’!
In an attempt to comfort her, an older woman whom we will call Sarah stood and proclaimed that she was single at 60 AND had never married. Sarah started to encourage the younger lady. She said,look at me, I am 60 and not married but I will not settle. I want what God wants for me and will not settle for less. I have had many counterfeit men come into my life. Sarah then went ahead and started to rattle off about the men that had beenpotential suitorsand what was wrong with them. As she spoke, somethings that seemingly escaped her started to become clear to those of us on the panel. She was to blame for being single at 60.
Here are some of the things we realized about Sarah that kept her single
Sarah wanted Jesus…not a disciple of Jesus…but Jesus Himself
Many women, like Sarah, are looking for the perfect mate. They want someone who is going to complete them and be their everything! If this is you, then my question to you is this: If a man completes you and becomes your everything, then what position is Jesus taking in your life? Jesus is the one that completes you and is meant to be your everything. So, to look for completeness in a man is to make that man an idol in your life, it is to have put man above God! This will only lead to ruin because no man is perfect! Try as he might, he will disappoint you! So stop looking for someone who will not disappoint you over the lifetime you wish to be married…you will not find it. Even you, yes you…have and still disappoint many people…whether you realize it or not…whether you meant it or not.Instead of looking for perfection, look for someone who is striving towards perfection. This is a person that loves God and does not want to be conformed to the world but whose life’s purpose is to be transformed into the image of Jesus.
As my mom says, if you meet a person who is perfect, run away, for you will make imperfect whatever is making that person seem perfect.
Sarah saw herself as a princess, but she did not care to prince her man
There are many women who see themselves as awesome and incredible royalty. Many women say I want to be treated like a princess! The issue is that they do not want their man to be a prince. They do not want to share any power or give up any control. Instead, they want their partners to take the position of a slave while treating them like a princess. The reason many women cannot let go of control is because of fear – perhaps due to not dealing with the hurts of pastrelationships. The moment the man does not give her the power she craves, she takes it as he not treating her like a princess and so searches for greener pastures. Conversely, many men see that while they are giving all they have, the woman is not following suit! Many women think that this is part of being pursued; many men simply see it as being disrespectful.
As a princess, you have to make sure you prince your man. Compliment him and let him know that you appreciate that he is being led by the King. Let go of the control. Taking a chance at love means you take a chance with your heart. This is because only the heart can feel love, not your head.
Sarah liked being pursued but did not want to be caught.
In the bible, the servant of Abraham went to a land far away in pursuit of a wife for Isaac. When he got there, it was Rebekah that came to the well. When he approached, she did not play games and dilly-dally. No, she said that she would not wait as her family had requested but would follow Eliezer immediately back to Isaac. When Boaz pursued Ruth, Ruth decided to show her interest by laying at his feet. See, both Rebekah and Ruth showed interest. They did not play games or play hard to get.
Ladies, if a prince has found you, then admit it and go forward as long as you have God’s blessing. I am not saying be easy, but at the same time, do not be hard to get. Just as you are a gift to him, he is also a gift to you! If a man is pursing you, do not run him away with games.
Sarah was way too picky
Sarah did not want God to decide whom she should marry but decided on who she wanted to marry. In essence, she said:God, forget about who you desire for me, this is the person I want to marry…now make it happen!It was no longer God’s will for her life but her will for her life!
But does God not want to give us the desires of our heart? Yes…as long as it glorifies God. In fact, the scripture says: delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. As you delight yourself in the Lord, you will find that His desires become your desire…thus your desire will glorify God!
You must believe right now that what God wants for you is better than what you could ever want for yourself in the long run. If he is not giving you your hearts desires, it may be because you are not ready to handle your heart’s desire. It may be because what you desire is not desirable!
Sarah wanted Boaz but wanted to remain a Delilah
Do not be like Sarah! Every potential suitor she met had some flaw that was fatal. One could not provide. Another could provide but was not attractive enough. A third was attractive and could provide but did not pay her enough attention. Yet, another paid her too much attention. She forgot that she has filled with flaws herself! She was so busy finding fault with everyone that she had no time to look at herself. She was so busy trying to find the speck in someone else’ life that she forgot that the log in her eyes was blinding her vision of the truth about herself. The truth that just like everyone else, she is imperfect and needs a savior as well!
Sarah could not understand why the ones she thought were ‘perfect’ for her were not interested. Sarah, perhaps it is because they are not willing to ‘settle’ either.
I thank God that he did not wait for us to be perfect but settled for us. He wants us to settle for nothing less than Himself. This means that we have to take the reins off our own lives and surrender completely to His will. It seemed thatJosephsettled for Mary when He married a pregnant girl…but He became immortalized in history because of it. Are you willing to settle for God’s best for you?
My new book 101 NO FRILLS RELATIONSHIP LESSONS YOU NEED TO LEARN BEFORE YOU MARRY.
I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and blessed as I gazed into my wife's eyes. I love her with all of my heart, and God's plan for me to marry her, I never take for granted. A solid marriage requires a commitment from both of us and it is hard work. If you plan on marrying soon, don't go into the marriage blindly. My new book, 101 NO FRILLS RELATIONSHIP LESSONS YOU NEED TO LEARN BEFORE YOU MARRY, offers sound and sage advice for couples. Give your marriage the best chance and pre-order my book.
Take a deep dive into
the lives of twenty people in the “Bible” to reveal powerful and practical
relationship insights from their lives.
"A must-read for engaged
couples."
"The best advice ever!"
"This is fun to read and packed full of
advice."
"A practical book. I'm glad I stumbled on
it. You have to buy this book before you get married."
Burger King used the slogan ‘Have it Your Way’ to advertise its business for 40-years until 2014 when it scrapped it for a new slogan ‘Be Your Way’.
Bear with me for a second and imagine that you are about to buy a used car. Before signing on the dotted line, you would request the diagnostics on the car. You’d take the car for a ride to see how it drives — paying attention to its feel, listening for any weird sounds, and checking all the features to ensure that everything works right. You might even get an experienced mechanic to examine the car and give you their professional opinion.
